Minimizing, denying, suppressing- if there is any single unifying theme that I discern in my own life and work with people, it is the tendency to avoid unpleasant feelings. Avoidance always seems like a bright idea at the time. Unfortunately, it often backfires. In fact, avoidance fans the flames of emotional pain and suffering. 

One of the great misfortunes of life is that often we're raised in homes where well-intentioned parents handled feelings in ways that were not so helpful. Icy withdrawal, shaming, numbing with drugs and alcohol are good examples, but the list goes on and on. Due to this modeling, we learn to suppress, minimize, deny, and hide. Moreover, a sense of shame about our feelings and related needs often develops. We internalize the rules about emotions, especially those that are acceptable and how they should be expressed. When our "unacceptable" feelings show up as adults, we then make every effort to avoid and suppress them. Why? Because they are "bad." The fact of the matter is, the rules may not make much sense. But they were our emotional survival skills as children.

Here's a little experiment, though. Explore a bit the next time that you become aware of anger or fear. 

• How does it feel?

•  What thoughts are going through your mind? 

• How does the feeling manifest in your body? 

• What other feelings accompany the primary emotion?

•  Have loneliness, fear, sadness, longing, come along for the ride? 

It's an admittedly counterintuitive approach, but tending to all aspects of the experience often reduces the suffering.

The implications for emotional health are clear and are being researched by a growing number of psychologists and other healthcare professionals. But, the spiritual consequences are far more subtle. Consider this, how different would our lives be if we took a different view of unpleasant feelings and experiences? What if we considered the entire range of our emotions to be a blessing and a pathway? What would we ask in prayer? How would we live? 

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,

  translation by Coleman Barks